I just got my book contract back from the publisher. At some stage in 2021 (potentially 2022, but let’s remain optimistic) my second book will be published. It’s taken a long time to get here.

There’s only one question on mind right now: will this process will bring about an end to the imposter syndrome that has lingered since my inaugural effort, Pop Life, hit the virtual shelves three years ago?

Moments into the first interview I did for Pop Life, it was suggested that the book could in fact have been published in real-time as a blog to coincide with my year-long live music expedition. That wasn’t the point, screamed the voice inside my head. It was written to be a book; it is a book! Except, all of a sudden, I began to feel increasingly concerned that people were viewing it through a different lens. Some other early readers described Pop Life as a collection of gig reviews. Could they not see that the book was so much more than this? It told a story, for starters! But maybe they couldn’t see this. Or maybe what I claimed about the book wasn’t true. Maybe it wasn’t a book at all. And if it wasn’t a book, could I really claim to be an author?

This time around, I’m pretty sure I’ve written a book. I’ve certainly set out to write something that cannot possibly be mistaken for a blog. This is important to me. I don’t need to be a popular author; indeed, in time it may prove that I’m a distinctly unpopular one. But I’d much rather be an unpopular author than a charlatan.

My former band, Silent Alliance, was not a popular band – not in the grand scheme of things. But no one could possibly dispute the claim that we were a band. Promoters booked us to open and close festivals. Management companies took us on (and then ditched us). Obscure Japanese record label owners put out our records. We may have felt routinely underappreciated in Silent Alliance, but we never felt imposter syndrome.

Right now my priority is to establish myself as an author, rather than some bloke who once wrote something that may or may not have been a book. It was good news to hear back from the publisher – a step towards banishing some of these longstanding demons. But until the book is out there, the insecurities will remain. And if my second publication doesn’t cure me, what then? A third book? A fourth? How many will it take? Writing the first book was a joy. The second was hard work. As was the second Silent Alliance album, funnily enough. Difficult second album syndrome. We never made it to a third record.

Writing a book is definitely harder than recording an album. And even once it’s finished, apparently there’s no guarantee it’ll be recognised as a book.

Photo by Florencia Viadana on Unsplash.