Should workers be given the day off if England win Euro 2020 on Sunday night?

This article isn’t going to age well.

In the past 24 hours I’ve seen two posts on LinkedIn from well-meaning bosses – one English, one Italian – both offering their employees the possibilities of paid leave on Monday if their respective nation triumphs at Wembley.

What a heart-warming offer. Except when you’re eight pints along and the opposition sucker-punches you with a winning goal in the last minute of extra time. Which will probably definitely happen.

It’s England’s first major tournament final appearance in 55 years: Please Drink Responsibly.

Oh and the offer doesn’t extend to the Welsh bloke who texted into Radio 5 Live this morning claiming he was on the way out to buy an Italian flag to adorn his front window. Or does it? Can we restrict such perks only to proven, dyed-in-the-wool, lionhearted England loyalists?

If you’re going to give people the day off on Monday, don’t make it conditional on this, that or the other. Do it because it makes sense to do it. Because let’s face it, whatever happens, no one is going to want to do any fucking work.

Funnily enough, I’m supposed to be going to see the Lightning Seeds in Manchester in September. If England win, surely the band will feel obliged to play Three Lions. But what if we lose? Will we really want to celebrate the moment football almost came home?

I’d hate to be in Ian Broudie’s shoes right now. In the age of streaming, the song doesn’t even net him much money. And now bloody Neil Diamond is muscling in on his territory. Even though the England players plainly don’t know the words to Sweet Caroline (nor do I).

I’m tense. I need to lighten up. And stop having a go at Neil. It’s not his fault I feel like this. It’s the hype machine. Hype, hype, hype. Waking up this morning to find the BBC Sport website was running a ‘Countdown to Euro 2020 final’ live blog, I wondered if I’d overslept by 48 hours. The six-hour TV build-ups to the FA Cup Final used to be bad enough – this is ridiculous. They’re currently getting people to text in their own England team talks. Here’s a good one I spotted:

“Even the mighty Roman Empire fell. Veni, vidi, vici. It’s coming home.”

I’m not sufficiently familiar with the BBC’s funding model to be able to state conclusively that this is a waste of taxpayers’ money. But it’s certainly a colossal waste of time. Asking fans for their perspective is always a mistake, because you only ever get the sort of person who wants to share their own England team talk via text or Twitter. Doubtless, if England lose on Sunday, there will be a thicket of idiots (I checked – it’s the correct collective noun) calling for Southgate’s head. It seems all too common these days that the people who shout most vociferously are the ones with the least sense of perspective.

In summary, like Eric Cantona, I love football. But I don’t particularly enjoy it when the nation is gripped by football fever. More often than not, fevers tend to be bad for our health.